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THE MONDAY MORNING AMIGA COMPUTING GUIDE FOR HUNG-OVER PROGRAMMERS!
===================================================================
Apologies to 'Practical Computing' circa 1983 from which came the original
idea for this file. The original article (copyright IPC business publica-
tions) is avaiable from Practical Computing's back numbers department, ask
for Volume 6 Issue 3 (dated March 1983), and turn to page 107. Back numbers
obtainable (as far as I know) from:
IPC Business Press
(Sales & Distribution) LTD
Quadrant House
The Quadrant
Sutton
SURREY
SM2 5AS
The original by Chris Naylor was biased primarily toward corporate DP de-
partment staff, and I thought it was about time to create an Amiga-specific
version with a few plugs for assembler progrmmers, and snide comments about
the rest. Any person reading the original Monday Morning Guide will find
significant changes to many definitions, many omissions, and many entries
previously either thought unworthy of inclusion or simply not existing be-
cause the technology wasn't up to it back then. On the occasions when the
definitions tally, the above copyright acknowledgement holds, and the persis-
tent reader will note that much effort has been made to extend the old defi-
nitions to take account of progress, the prejudices of the intended reader-
ship, and demographic and social changes in the world of computing at large.
Changes such as the rise of the Heineken-powered FORTRAN programmer,
the emergence of the sinister political power bloc known as C programmers,
whose intentions have yet to become manifest, and the invasion of previously
sacred territory by civil servants, social workers, nut-cutlet bearded Guard-
ian readers and other quiche eaters who have no business being in a technolo-
gical environment more suited to REAL heroes. After all, you'd never find any
quiche eater rebooting a mainframe operating system by hand-entering the en-
tire binary code for the bootstrap via a front panel - now THERE'S real pro-
gramming for you!
T H E G U I D E
================================
68000 : According to some fundamentalist Christian sects, the
number of the beast. Well, how many religious fundamen-
talists do you know who can count? Actually, the guilty
party implicated in many program deaths, particularly
on Amiga 500s.
68010 : A faster 68000 that won't let you MOVE from SR without
Guru'ing the Amiga.
See 68000.
68020 : The 68000's big brother. Fast, complex, powerful and is
at last becoming available cheaply. Eats Intel 80286's
for breakfast, and with a maths chip in tandem can even
embarrass a '386.
See 68000.
68030 : The 68020's big brother, found in Amiga 3000s and even
more juicy than the 68020. Makes Intel 80386's look like
a joke.
See 68020.
68040 : A super-beastly chip now finding its way into rich coders'
Amigas (mostly A3000s) which makes Intel 80486's look sad.
Actually it makes lots of other chips look sad in the same
way that Arnold Schwarzenegger makes most other men look
puny. However, the 68040 is more communicative and probab-
ly more intelligent...
Ada : A language owing its name to Countess Ada Lovelace, who
was the sponsor of Charles Babbage in his forlorn attempt
to build the Amiga for Queen Victoria, and also reputedly
the world's first programmer. If she knew that the U.S.
Department of Defense were to name this language after
her 150 years later, she would have taken up embroidery
like most other Victorian women, rather than face having
this intellectual sewage named after her. A truly AWFUL
language developed by committee, thankfully NOT available
on the Amiga. Pray that HiSoft don't write an Ada compi-
ler for the Amiga in a fit of pique, as the manual will
fill a 40 meg hard disc...
See COBOL.
Address : In theory, a unique number allowing the contents of any
location in memory to be accessed directly provided that
the value of this number is known in some way. In reality
the address of a memory location turns out to be equal to
A+N, where A is the address that you thought it was, and
N is a random displacement to be added onto A. A situa-
tion made worse for some programmers by the existence of
flash addressing modes on the 68000.
See Addressing Mode.
Addressing Mode : Any of several means provided by a particular processor
by which memory addresses can be created without having
to know too much about the actual addresses themselves,
on the basis that the data required to form the address
must be SOMEWHERE in the processor's registers...
AI : An acronym for Artificial Intelligence. What you wish the
damn machine had after the 83rd Guru Meditation of the
day. Since there's little enough of the other sort of in-
telligence around (go to any town hall social services
department or Whitehall for proof of this) AI is needed
desperately to get the rest of us out of the shit.
Algorithm : Almost in danger of being regarded as a social-worker and
civil servant type word, it's a posh way of describing
the method you chose to solve your problem. Since your
choice was wrong, and it didn't work, it's time to become
a social worker or a civil servant and get paid for not
working.
Amiga : A cruel mistress who treats her slaves with total and
utter disdain. Still, it's better than buying an ST...
AmigaDOS : What you ended up with because you couldn't afford a UNIX
machine. In some ways, be thankful. At other times, cry.
See BCPL, C, UNIX.
ASCII : A method of assigning numbers to the characters of the
alphabet so that your computer can do something other
than piddle around with numbers all the time. About the
only prevailing standard in the whole of the computer
industry, unless you're IBM, in which case how the hell
did you get hold of this file and how the hell can you
read it?
See EBCDIC.
Assembler : The language that you end up writing most of your soft-
ware in as a result of the failure of C compilers to let
you to do all of the evil things that you want to with
the machine.
Atari ST : An early attempt to introduce 68000 chips to coders. Now
used in pretentious modern-art sculptures (STHenge?) and
as an expensive means of shoring up tables with legs of
uneven length.
Back Up : In theory, what you should do with all important files.
In practice, the direction you go in when your girlfriend
mocks your prowess and demands something more from life.
BASIC : A high-level language supposedly allowing complete be-
ginners to excrete all over vital system data structures
and pretend that they're real programmers as a result.
The only language available where programs take longer
to execute than they take to write.
BCPL : Supposed to stand for British Computer Programming Lan-
guage. This is effectively C's grandfather (via an inter-
mediate product called B), and was the work of Brian W.
Kernighan (eventually to found C and UNIX). Those who are
familiar with its use in writing large parts of AmigaDOS
have renamed it Bastard Computer Programming Language as
a direct result of the headaches lurking within AmigaDOS
should anyone wish to discover them.
See AmigaDOS, C, UNIX
Binary : A number system so awful that only a computer would use
it. The space occupied by a binary number grows exponen-
tially with the size of the number. If you don't believe
this, I defy anyone to fit the binary representation of
Avogadro's Number onto a single sheet of A4 paper.
Bit : The tiniest possible piece of information on a computer.
Takes either the value zero or one. A bit is rather like
an ant:one on its own is as much use as a fishnet condom
but put millions of them together and the fun begins. The
word 'Bit' is actually a shortened form of Binary Digit,
which just about sums it up really.
See Binary, Byte, K (Kilobyte), Megabyte, Memory.
Blitter : A truly sophisticated piece of hardware ideally suited
to trashing Copper lists and munging graphics and sound
sample data. In the right hands can cause as much havoc
as an SS-18 ICBM.
Branch : A kind of jump that doesn't require knowledge of where
you are and where you want to go, rather where you are
and how far away in either direction you want to go. But
since it never lets you go far enough away to escape the
bugs in this piece of code, you end up using Jump instead
because your chance of escape is significantly improved.
Bug : A member of the class Insecta. Because of this, it is
present in huge populations worldwide. Computer memories
are its favourite habitat. Unaffected by CFCs, PCBs, or
greenhouse gases, and thus set to take over the world at
any moment. Impervious to nuclear attack (and probably
capable of launching one in a fit of pique if the truth
be known...).
Busy : The normal state of the system when you have a super-high
priority task waiting to run. Also the name given to any
of the flags used by various pieces of hardware to tell
your programs to take a hike while they indulge themsel-
ves in activities totally unrelated to your requirements.
Byte : Eight bits, treated as a single unit. Again, not very
helpful on its own, but lots of them can make your day.
By the time you have millions of them bolted onto your
Amiga, you're ready to hack into the NSA encryption com-
puters, write the ultimate megagame and rack up fifty
trillion points on Revenge of the Mutant Hamsters.
See Bit, K (Kilobyte) ,Megabyte, Memory.
C : The language used by UNIX hacks because they're too lazy
to learn 68000 assembler. A sort of high-ish level lan-
guage that pretends to give the same control over the
machine as assembler, while imposing something approach-
ing structured methods upon programming. As it tries to
be all things to all men, many C implementations are
consequently something of a dog's breakfast. Amiga C is
like a microwaved pie-hot in parts.
Cast : In C, a means of changing the type of data within your
program without using explicit type-conversion routines.
The fact that those routines supplied by the compiler
don't work means that you still have to write your own.
In other languages, done the hard way anyway, so why did
you bother?
CIA : Where to get useful information such as the addresses of
ex-Cambridge University old boys and SS-18 missile silo
locations. Also the premier means employed by the Amiga
to vomit all over the user's comprehension of keyboard
and serial port handling.
COBOL : A job-security enhancement suite for accountants and
lawyers. The programming equivalent of a party political
broadcast. Available on Amigas for the price of a CRAY
XMP cluster for the bed-wetters among you. Writing COBOL
programs takes longer than hand-writing a Gutenberg Bible
using quill and ink, and a COBOL program is almost iden-
tical in appearance to one when listed.
An attempt to perpetrate even greater computing sins is
now available, called Ada. If you have to blaspheme, I
urge you to do it in COBOL.
See Ada.
Code : In theory, any text or data that can be executed as a
program or assembled/compiled into a program. In prac-
tice, given the state of some language compilers, it
can be anything from a valid 68000 assembler text file
to a translation of the Bhavagad Gita into Serbo-Croat.
See Compiler, then Bug in that order.
Compiler : A program that purports to take any other program that
is written in a high-level language, and generate a com-
plete working machine language version. What it actually
does is pore over your source code several times, gene-
rate a large set of pseudo-random numbers that just hap-
pen to be executable on your machine (bearing no relation
to your source code), and then hangs the machine.
Condition : If you're a doctor, another name for ailment. If you're a
programmer, usually similar in definition when applied to
the logic of your code. Otherwise the reason why a piece
of code either goes one way or the other, and in both in-
stances usually leads to a crash.
See IF, Jump.
Copper : A truly sophisticated piece of hardware that controls the
Amiga display, capable of ordering the blitter to trash
its own Copper lists without intervention from the 68000.
A must for Acid House demo writers.
Copper List : A list of instructions to control the Copper. A free-fire
zone for the 68000 and the blitter.
Copy-Protection : A mechanism for preventing legitimate users from backing
up software for which they have paid huge sums of money,
while allowing pirates to mass-produce their own versions
on the cheap.
CPU : An acronym for certain X-certificate activities which
can be found advertised in any contact magazine.
Cracking : The process of devising ingenious ways of avoiding the
copy-protection mechanisms built into expensive soft-
ware, before finding out that the copy-protection mech-
anism doesn't really work after all and that your effort
was wasted. Quickly becoming a religion among ex-hippies
and wastrel teenagers the world over.
Data : In theory, an organised set of numbers to which a high-
level meaning has been ascribed. In practice, whatever
is currently being trashed by your program.
Database : A large collection of data. Incapable of fitting into
memory in its entirety in one go, despite the fact that
that is what you usually want.
Database : A huge program incapable of fitting into memory in its
Manager entirety in one go, and definitely incapable of fitting
into memory alongside the data it's supposed to be mana-
ging. Not that you'd want it to anyway. Turns your Amiga
into a glorified Filofax, except that a Filofax is more
secure, more portable and less likely to induce radia-
tion-moderated cancers.
Data Structure : In theory, a means used by C programmers (and copied by
GenAm for 68000 assembler programmers) of ensuring that
blocks of data can be treated as a unit, even if these
blocks are made up of disparate pieces of disparate data
types. In practice, a huge block of data needed by the
system (and your program) about which no documentation
exists ANYWHERE, thus ensuring regular visits by the Guru
for the foreseeable future.
See Type, then Bug in that order.
Debug : Remove bugs from the system. Because bugs are unaffected
by CFCs, etc., this is a task best suited to omnipotent
beings and major deities.
Debugger : A program that purports to debug your programs. If ever
it succeeds, you will have founded a new religion. Any
other time, a debugger is, in the right hands, a classic
means of truly peeing all over the system.
Decryption : To be attempted only when access to garlic and a cruci-
fix is guaranteed.
Device : A shaped plastic object for fetishists. Also a means of
truly confusing the operating system.
Disc : Or, if you're American, Disk. Comes in two types, floppy
and hard. Just about sums it up, really.
See Floppy Disc, Hard Disc.
DMA : NOT the backing group for Suzanne Vega, but a method of
memory access arbitration (another social worker word
again) that allows different parts of the system to read
and write to memory in a way that prevents them clashing
with each other. Done on the Amiga in a quite simple yet
sneaky way, but since all the timings are related to the
video display, it helps if you can mend colour TVs when
trying to understand it.
EBCDIC : Another standard character set representation, this time
of IBM parentage (which says it all). Incompatible with
ASCII, only found in use on IBM mainframes and loved only
by Big Blue sycophants.
See ASCII, IBM.
Encoding : A means of making data incomprehensible to unauthorised
persons, in such a way that the original can be recovered
provided that you made an unencoded back-up earlier.
Encryption : A means of making data incomprehensible to unauthorised
persons in such a way that even a pristine back-up of the
original leaves you none the wiser.
Exec : The heart of the machine. Diagnosis:advanced myocardial
infarction. Designed to persuade UNIX hacks that they
were right all along. A multitasking operating system
needing a Ph.D to comprehend fully, and written in some
places by tea-party chimps.
Execute : A command applicable both to AmigaDOS and to the prats
who ceased publication of version 1 of the Hardware Ref-
erence Manual two years before version 2 was ready, and
thus allowed Abacus to send their share value into orbit
as they had the only viable alternative publication.
Expansion : The process by which the put-upon Amiga programmer with
a large wallet adds to the machine what should have been
there already (such as 8 megs of RAM and a 40 meg hard
disc).
See Hard Disc, Megabyte, Memory.
File : A collection of data written to disk using an identify-
ing label which you promptly forget, and then write all
over next time you turn on the machine.
Firmware : Software in a state of arousal.
Floppy Disc : The name given to a fairly rigid form of disc for his-
torical reasons. Is slow to use, stores relatively small
amounts of data but is used because it's cheap compared
to hard discs and you can send it through the post to
infect your friends' computers with new viruses.
See Hard Disc.
FORTRAN : A high-level language designed to allow scientists and
engineers to crash the system without calling in any
outside assistance. Used to write operating systems for
cruise missiles and NSA encryption computers, with all
the expected consequences. FORTRAN programmers are the
American Football jocks and rugger-buggers of the com-
puting world, capable of drinking even assembler pro-
grammers under the table.
Function : What your programs usually don't do. Also the only way
in which a C programmer can do anything until freed by
a rapid conversion to assembler. This may account for
the awful habits of C programmers in public lavatories.
Gadget : Another object for fetishists. Usually provided by a
program to allow naive users to mung Copper lists and
digitally urinate all over system data structures, all
without the need of experienced programming assistance.
GO TO : An imperative used to banish PASCAL programmers from a
copyparty.
Guru Meditation : The ultimate test of sainthood. An endless source of
material for Trivial Pursuit questions and writers of
paperback SF novels. Regular exposure to a guru medita-
tion is a neat way of experiencing the effects of some
recreational pharmaceuticals without actually poisoning
your body, thus allowing you to pick your favourite brand
of brain bender before committing yourself to the real
thing. Unfortunately, many of the substances thus mimic-
ked are fatal in small doses, and the Guru won't repro-
duce the effects of an overdose...
Hacking : Computer burglary. So-called because this is the noise
made by managers of banking and military computers upon
finding that their security system has been bypassed by
a six-year-old using information cribbed from a back
number of 'Byte' magazine. It is now possible to do
this By Appointment to the Royal Family.
WARNING : As of 1989, anyone caught indulging in this
pastime will be treated to a spell of mailbag sewing &
other diversions in the honeymoon suite of the Brixton
Hilton. Also, your equipment will be impounded (ouch!)
and you'll find yourself under surveillance for much
of the rest of your days as a certified Public Enemy.
So don't get caught (sorry, Chief Constable, I meant
don't do it)...
See Modem, Password.
Hard Disc : An expensive but fast storage device that also stores a
decent amount of data in one go. Should you try to send
one through the post, though, the results will be highly
amusing.
See Floppy Disc.
Hardware : That part of the system that ends up in pieces on the
floor when you hit it with a lump hammer. The ultimate
fate of computer systems worldwide, especially after a
major infestation of bugs.
HEX : A number system invented by an Armenian mathematician
during a particularly dull Halloween. Assumes that users
have sixteen fingers and thumbs in total.
Housekeeping : To most of us, the dreary task of reorganising files on
disc (or disk if you're American). To a certain class of
fetishist, something performed while wearing a frilly
apron and fishnet stockings. The latter definition is the
preferred one among trendy vicars and high court judges
everywhere. Luncheon vouchers, anyone?
IBM : THE largest computer company of all time. Known colloq-
uially as Big Blue (after its corporate colour), it is
best known for being gigantic in size, immensely rich &
totally devoid of decent ideas. Responsible for the now
worldwide PC standard and thus forever to be cursed by
those who wanted to see a DECENT computing standard take
a hold. Also suppliers of more mainframes than just about
anyone else, including all the ones that are easy for a
hacker to gain access to.
IBM PC : Or PC for short, now that there are more Taiwanese com-
panies making clones of the thing than there are Acorn
Archimedes owners. Often an excuse for junior managers
to look busy while all the time they're really eyeing up
the latest digitised hard-code porn pix from Sweden on
the boss' Super VGA screen.
Icon : Take your pick from the Virgin Mary, Elvis, or any work
of art stolen from the Russian Orthodox Church. Also a
pretty graphic device intended to indicate whether a
file is a program or a data file, what sort of things
can be done with it, and how to do them. In the hands
of assembler programmers, usually end up resembling art
deco representations of primate genitalia of some species
or other.
IF : One of a class of wish-fulfilment statements. Usually
implies that the program doesn't know what it's doing
or where it's going to, so use Jump instead.
Interrupt : Hang on a minute...
If you ended up back here, see Return.
Intuition : A graphic interface supposedly comprehensible to new-
age earth mothers and crystal wearers. Actually one of
the premier means of humiliating ST programmers avail-
able to the Amiga coder.
Iteration : See Iteration, and keep doing so until you drop.
Jump : Either an instruction allowing your program to go to
some weird place in memory, forgetting where it came
from, and thus getting totally lost, or what the screen
display does when using the blitter in the approved man-
ner (i.e., for munging Copper lists).
See Interrupt.
K (Kilobyte) : In SI units, the Kilo (K) prefix signals that you have
one thousand of whatever is being measured. On computers
it's actually 1,024 because that's the closest power of
two to 1,000 and computers work in binary because they're
thick. So 1K of memory is actually 1,024 bytes, not 1,000
bytes. By the time the you've reached the 512K on the
standard Amiga 500, those extra 24 bytes per thousand are
pretty damned useful because you'd run out of memory even
quicker without them. 512K sounds like a lot until you
begin writing Acid House demos...
See Binary, Bit, Byte, Megabyte, Memory.
Label : An identifier used to signal a point in your code that
is the intended destination for a Jump instruction or
a branch caused by an IF-type instruction or is the
point where a data structure exists. Usually ignored
totally at runtime.
Library : Where you get your Amiga manuals from because they are
too expensive to buy.
Manual : Means that you do it by hand. Also a work of literature
with a price tag matching a Gutenberg Bible, but with
inferior intellectual content. Usually written in one
of several dialects of Californian, a language due to
go the same way as Latin (and deservedly so).
Megabyte : In SI units, the Mega (M) prefix means that you have one
million of whatever it is you're measuring. Again, since
computers use binary, one Megabyte is actually 1024K, and
this works out at 1,048,576 bytes (yes, I used a calcula-
tor!). This means you're getting approximately an extra
48K on top of the million bytes for every megabyte you
add onto your machine. Quite a bargain really, given the
price of RAM chips. Also known as megs, as in 8 meg ex-
pansion, something all Amiga owners hanker after but are
rarely rich enough to buy.
See Binary, Bit, Byte, K (Kilobyte), Memory.
Memory : A free-fire zone for programs and data. A no-go area. A
real-life adventure game arena, especially for assembler
programmers without decent debuggers. Amiga programmers
NEVER have enough of it. More can be added, but only if
you can afford a Ferrari or a house in Mayfair.
See Expansion.
Menu : Probably the only thing provided by a program that does
not allow users to screw up the system's integrity. A
great deal of research is currently being done on how to
allow menus to exceed the system mangling capacity of
gadgets and requesters.
Methodology : A social-worker type word meaning 'how you did it'. This
and many other similar words occur frequently in manuals
written by PASCAL programmers and dissertations by half-
wit social services directors. Usually points to the
presence of a quiche eater.
See Quiche Eater, Structured.
Modem : Shortened form of Modulator/Demodulator. A device allow-
ing Amiga programmers with fat wallets and a telephone to
mount campaigns of world domination. Also allows poorer
Amiga programmers to create their own Swiss bank accounts
to finance that 8 meg expansion and 68040 accelerator
board.
See Hacking.
Mouse : Incontinent creature often seen trawling through the rem-
nants of copyparty pizzas. Used primarily as a means of
making Sinclair owners feel inadequate.
Mouse Mat : A small piece of expensive material used as a waste dump
for the remnants of copyparty pizzas prior to allowing
your mouse to trawl through them.
Multitasking : The art of pretending to perform several jobs at once,
while actually performing at most one, and usually none.
The perfect job decription for civil servants the world
over.
Object (Code) : In theory, a collection of numbers which when decoded
represent your program after being assembled or compiled.
In practice, a one-time pad of pseudo-random numbers that
just HAPPEN to be executable by the machine, and bears no
semantic resemblance to your original program.
See Semantic and Source (code).
PASCAL : A structured language supposedly allowing the implemen-
tation of mathematically rigorous design methodologies
and because such phrases are used by PASCAL programmers
on a regular basis, the favoured choice of bleeding-
heart liberal social workers who want to pretend that
they are computer-literate. Playing 'Spot the Pascal
Programmer' is a favourite sport among rugby-playing
FORTRAN programmers after a night on the pop, as is
'Super-Glue the Pascal Programmer to the Truck Exhaust'.
See Quiche Eater.
Password : A means of enforcing data security by means of a string
of characters that you can't remember, and hence write
down on a piece of paper next to your machine for all &
sundry to peruse at leisure. Often encountered during a
hacking session. The password is usually 'FRED'.
See Hacking, Modem.
Pointer : A sort of dog blessed with the magical ability to know
where things went to. In computing, the only thing that
knew for certain where the data went before you lost it.
In assembler, any address, hence capable of being total-
ly misleading. In C, forced to point to objects of a
given type, and hence only mildly misleading unless you
perform casting, in which case you might as well be us-
ing assembler...
See Address.
Port : On the Amiga, a means by which lots of different programs
all running together in memory can talk to each other. In
practice, responsible for massive hangovers after excess-
ive exposure. Both the data structure and the drink are
sickly concoctions...
Programmer : A kind of cerebral masochist who seems eternally to be
doing some sort of penance to the uninitiated. Has been
given the awesome (and often futile) task of understan-
ding the machine being worked on. A pitiful creature, to
be avoided in public unless protected by a crucifix and
some fresh garlic. Usually has 'Unclean' tattooed on the
forehead. What programmers have done to deserve such a
fate remains a mystery, but I'm sure it has a lot to do
with the creation of the first COBOL compiler...
Quiche Eater : Anyone who pretends to be a programmer by writing data-
base management software in PASCAL. Usually seen occupy-
ing vegetarian restaurants reading the Guardian between
nut cutlet courses and pontificating about lack of stan-
dardisation between assembly languages. A complete tit.
RAM : A verb describing what programmers do to a computer (in
most cases using a motor vehicle) when bugs inhabit the
memory.
Recursion : See Recursion. I know that this is an old definition, but
not even a Californian COBOL programmer with social work-
er parents has bettered this.
Register : What the full implications of your programming errors
have so far failed to do. You should drink less. Also
part of the 68000 and other chips, which is why the mere
mention of this word in public will bring upon your head
the wrath of innumerate religious fundamentalists every-
where.
See 68000.
Requester : In theory, a pretty graphical device allowing programs to
inform users that lots of options for screwing the system
are available at the click of a mouse button. In practice
the thing immediately preceding a Guru Meditation. One
of the most ingenious ways yet devised of allowing naive
users to render the system ga-ga while pretending to be
doing something useful, often with delayed results.
Resource : A motley collection of data structures and code sections
lumped together for no other reason than that it seemed
like a good idea to throw them together when they were
first brought into existence, and that they might get on
well with each other. In the case of the CIA resource on
the Amiga, this proved to have the same lively effects as
lumping together Shi'ite fundamentalists and Hasidic Jews
in the same tenement block did in parts of Bradford.
Return : An instruction that makes your program go back to some-
where where it thinks that it came from. This may not be
where it actually came from, but if you're writing in C,
who really cares?
See Interrupt, but only if you have tried to already.
ROM : A collection of chips whose job is to confuse you into
thinking that software actually exists. Often the only
evidence that the machine does more than sit on your
desk incrementing the counters on your electricity meter.
Semantic : A social-worker type word which means roughly the same
as 'meaning' itself. The only problem with this is that
philosophers the world over can't agree what is actually
meant by the word 'meaning', and so use the word 'seman-
tic' to refer to their own pet concept. Used in the world
of computers to imply the relationship between what the
program actually DOES and what you intended it to do, a
relationship that rarely runs smoothly.
See Function, then Bug in that order.
Software : That part of the system which doesn't really exist, you
only think it does. Well, can you hit it with a lump
hammer?
Source (Code) : What you spent large amounts of time typing in, and then
forgot to back up immediately prior to the moment when
the system trashed it. In theory bearing some relation to
Object Code, but in practice not as often as is desired
by the programmer.
Sprite : A graphic image managed directly by hardware on the Amiga
which is in theory under the programmer's complete con-
trol. But because of the awkward register allocation, the
programmer can soon lose his grip on reality attempting
sprite handling. The relationship between Amiga sprites &
those of supernatural origin may not be purely coinciden-
tal...
Yet another graphic feature that tends to be misused by a
certain class of coder who thinks that displaying images
of primate genitalia on other people's screens is funny.
See Icon.
Stack : A sort of inflatable waste-disposal area for unwanted
data. Also an adjective describing the usual appearance
of an Amiga coder's desk.
Structured : In theory, means that you've thought about what you want
to write before you do it. In practice, means that you
spend more time writing papers containing words such as
'methodology' and 'rationale' than you do writing any
decent programs.
Task : A minor utterance of disapproval heard in the company of
Sloane Rangers.
Type : In theory, a means of ensuring that certain data items do
not get mistaken for other data items, particularly when
they are intended to be treated differently. In practice
on the Amiga, type is always WORD unless you're using a
pointer, in which case the recommended way of trashing
the system is to declare your type as ULONG.
See Structured, then Bug in that order.
UART : A term of abuse in the wrong hands. Actually stands for
Universal Asynchronous Receiver/Transmitter, and I defy
anyone to say that without pausing even when sober. A
piece of hardware that allows Amigas to be hooked up to
modems and serial printers, and hence allows wicked pro-
grammers to perpetrate all manner of evil deeds within
systems all over the world.
See Hacking, Modem
UNIX : The first real (as opposed to pretend) multitasking op-
erating system written. As easy to understand as the
original Sanskrit manuscript for the Mahabharat. Took
11 years for a team of Ph.D's to debug. Since the wri-
ters of AmigaDOS tried to do the same thing in 18 months
Exec is what you ended up with. Written in C (and often
it shows), UNIX is now available on top-end Amigas for
a suitably huge fee.
Virus : A program that copies itself all over your disks, in a
way guaranteed to ensure its reappearance, and having
done so, then performs the computing equivalent of a
sexual offence within the system. Usually the only type
of program guaranteed to work first time.
VOID : In C, means that you get nothing back regardless of what
you put in. Also describes the space between the ears of
COBOL programmers.
Wait : What your programs usually have to do while the system
tries to un-mung itself after a rogue blitter usage.
The means by which multitasking operating systems keep
up the pretence that your machine is doing several things
at once while actually doing something totally unrelated
to any of the tasks you thought were assigned to it.
Workbench : Available from Black & Decker for a reasonable price. A
guaranteed mechanism for the generation of 'Software
Error' requesters and Guru Meditations.
WorkBench 2 : A version of Workbench that allows the system to generate
'Software Error' requesters and Guru Meditations in a more
aesthetically pleasing way. Also a means by which a large
number of coders were suckered into dumping perfectly ser-
viceable 1.3 Amigas only to find that the new ones still
hadn't been properly debugged (drive click! HAH!) & were
now incapable of running many favourite old programs.